Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
