I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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