I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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