I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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