Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
