I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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