I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
