; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
