I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize