i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
