the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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