now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
