Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mouth tastes like poor choices
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize