I'm eating all of the evidence.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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