So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
