Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
