just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
