I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She bit a glass in half.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize