There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
