Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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