Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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