one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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