Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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