3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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