Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
