sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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