i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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