There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
