My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
