You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
