Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
