alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
