his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
