apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
