Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
