Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
