i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
