Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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