she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just cut my nipple shaving
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
