As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
