I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize