turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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