you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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