Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
