I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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