Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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