I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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