I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
