I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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