plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
