He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
