i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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