Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
