I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
