My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
