I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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