So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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