If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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