He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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